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LOVED Boston. I could move there and be happy about it. Wonderful vacation. Ready to pack move. Feeling very flabby after disregarding my diet totally for Boston BUT also feeling very strong about getting back to it? Been writing, been writing, not been dating, feeling good on all counts.
I Guess this Is Jealousy
Jun. 27th, 2012 09:48 pm I'm not the jealous type to the point that I offend people by not caring what they do or who they see.
But.
This guy I've been seeing. I was not totally sure about him but I knew he was a serial monogamist, the type to get into relationships quickly. Also, an all around nice guy.
But.
A few days ago he initiated a conversation about defining our relationship. It seemed innocuous at first. I played it too cool, as always, all, "Well I'm not sleeping with anyone else, are you?" And confirmed he was not and he was okay with keeping things indefinite even though that's not what he usually does etc, etc. And then he charges in with how there' s another girl interested in a relationship with him and he's never been in that position. There was something about, and he's hinted about this before, how he seems to think I'll vanish at the end of summer and it will have just been a fun summer dalliance (my word).
He asked me what I want and I froze. It's completely beneath my pride to say, "choose me" and before this all came up I wasn't even secure in the idea of being in a relationship with this guy. So I told him I had no problem with him taking his time to figure out what he wanted, etc, etc. I cannot stand the idea of holding onto someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm just not at all interested in that. Plus, I don't know this other girl and she doesn't know me. It 's not personal.
At one point he started in with something along the lines of, "I'm sure you'll have no problem finding a nice guy - or girl, or whatever ...." And I cut him off because that insulting shit makes me want to slap people.
Anyway, I took a day to think and decided via some strangely appropriate and minimally annoying yoga ramble, I decided I do care and I don want to give a relationship a shot. Of course, it's not up to me. And there's a part of me that says if this early in the game the dude is not unequivocally interested in being the significant other in my life, I should just call it quits. But that's unfair and immature. I mean how many other people have my eye right now? Was I not regularly sleeping with A and R until the very day of this stupid conversation? (And how much thinking around myself with I have to do if and when this boy doesn't pick me? I thought hard about it and decided to call it off with them because I didn't feel right not telling him about them. So I didn't change for him but for a way I felt but it's a thin fucking line.) And how much deliberation would I go through if E or Risa approached me like this girl is approaching him?
Ultimately, I'll give him some time but not too much. I'm not really ready to say goodbye to this one yet but if I have too, might as well get it over with and get on with summer.
But.
This guy I've been seeing. I was not totally sure about him but I knew he was a serial monogamist, the type to get into relationships quickly. Also, an all around nice guy.
But.
A few days ago he initiated a conversation about defining our relationship. It seemed innocuous at first. I played it too cool, as always, all, "Well I'm not sleeping with anyone else, are you?" And confirmed he was not and he was okay with keeping things indefinite even though that's not what he usually does etc, etc. And then he charges in with how there' s another girl interested in a relationship with him and he's never been in that position. There was something about, and he's hinted about this before, how he seems to think I'll vanish at the end of summer and it will have just been a fun summer dalliance (my word).
He asked me what I want and I froze. It's completely beneath my pride to say, "choose me" and before this all came up I wasn't even secure in the idea of being in a relationship with this guy. So I told him I had no problem with him taking his time to figure out what he wanted, etc, etc. I cannot stand the idea of holding onto someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm just not at all interested in that. Plus, I don't know this other girl and she doesn't know me. It 's not personal.
At one point he started in with something along the lines of, "I'm sure you'll have no problem finding a nice guy - or girl, or whatever ...." And I cut him off because that insulting shit makes me want to slap people.
Anyway, I took a day to think and decided via some strangely appropriate and minimally annoying yoga ramble, I decided I do care and I don want to give a relationship a shot. Of course, it's not up to me. And there's a part of me that says if this early in the game the dude is not unequivocally interested in being the significant other in my life, I should just call it quits. But that's unfair and immature. I mean how many other people have my eye right now? Was I not regularly sleeping with A and R until the very day of this stupid conversation? (And how much thinking around myself with I have to do if and when this boy doesn't pick me? I thought hard about it and decided to call it off with them because I didn't feel right not telling him about them. So I didn't change for him but for a way I felt but it's a thin fucking line.) And how much deliberation would I go through if E or Risa approached me like this girl is approaching him?
Ultimately, I'll give him some time but not too much. I'm not really ready to say goodbye to this one yet but if I have too, might as well get it over with and get on with summer.
I ad a great week. I mean I had a major diet fuck up about 20 minutes ago that sent me into a colossal shame spiral but before that: great. The moral is: I need to stop baking until this diet is over, I have no control around partially baked goods and it puts me in bad places. Remember when I did this once and it was fairly easy? Oh well, technically past the attack phase as of tomorrow but I'm considering extending it for like 2 more days since I sucked at it. I just really really want to be a healthy weight and get there with a healthy mind.
Before that. Nice night, nice week. Hung out with like all my crushes which is just brilliant.
Before that. Nice night, nice week. Hung out with like all my crushes which is just brilliant.
Today's my first day being 26. I've past the quarter century mark and it's time to get real because, fuck, I've seen enough patients with lifestyle diseases to know how quickly you run out of time. So, today, 3 big goals for myself and 3 things I will do today to progress towards them.
1. Reach a steady state of 138 lbs by by 27th birthday.
2. Become less lazy (Every time I watch my parents go out to maintain their house and live their lives, I'm kind of awed at how they just keep going, not in a frenzied way just very persistently getting things done. *Bonus* this may contribute to my weight loss goal.)
3. Engage in an adult relationship (I haven't done this really, as in I've never given it an honest shot with someone I care enough about that I might get hurt. It's time. Maybe I'll find out it really is not for me. But it's time.)
a. Sign up for Dukan today (I've been kind trying to manage it on my own and have not done a very good job of it.)
b. Clean my apartment (This will begin with the purchase of Ajax so I can go to town on my kitchen floor. I may also run to the grocery store which is something I should have been doing all along.)
c. Delete my OKC account. (Done)
1. Reach a steady state of 138 lbs by by 27th birthday.
2. Become less lazy (Every time I watch my parents go out to maintain their house and live their lives, I'm kind of awed at how they just keep going, not in a frenzied way just very persistently getting things done. *Bonus* this may contribute to my weight loss goal.)
3. Engage in an adult relationship (I haven't done this really, as in I've never given it an honest shot with someone I care enough about that I might get hurt. It's time. Maybe I'll find out it really is not for me. But it's time.)
a. Sign up for Dukan today (I've been kind trying to manage it on my own and have not done a very good job of it.)
b. Clean my apartment (This will begin with the purchase of Ajax so I can go to town on my kitchen floor. I may also run to the grocery store which is something I should have been doing all along.)
c. Delete my OKC account. (Done)
It Is Accomplished.
Yes, I do know enough theology to know that was blasphemous. It wouldn't have made any sense at all otherwise. Today was very long and boring and sometimes I was angry and felt a bit sick. I think my stomach is no longer terribly fond of sweets. It just gets very uneasy about them. But I am finished ALL course work. DONE.
Wednesday though, Wednesday was kind of perfect. The great Board of Nursing of the formidable state of M was fairly kind and much less DMV (fuck, I still have to go to the DMV) than I anticipated. It also was relatively efficient. I now suspect that the hell of getting my CNA was probably a class thing as is everything in this great nation. Nursing license, no problem, but if you want to get paid even less to do more thankless work that'll be no fewer than 3 hours sat in those molded plastic bus stations chairs that we've bolted to the floor, thanks. Also, if one of you does not kindly furnish a screaming child, we'll be forced to dig one up.
After that was bike shopping with R who I have this long standing low-grade crush on that kind of ebbs and flows (and, duh, I absolutely wanted (WANT) a new bike but I maybe could have asked someone else possibly) and it was just a flow sort of day. I also had this less low grade fear that I'd be really bad at bikes. Like, my folding bike is so HARD, that effort of riding it is significantly worse than running so, why bother? But bikes that fit are amazing. I was like Thai-motorbike happy. City riding is just awesomely thrilling and now that I think of it, R is a much better person than I am. Like, I'd be pissed if someone asked me to take him or her shopping for 4 hours and it involved self-propelled transportation and lots of driving around and kind of almost getting lost no fewer than 6 times in a city we both live in because we can't shut up long enough for me to pay attention to where the hell I'm driving. (Okay, maybe not the end of that sentence.)
She quizzed me on all sorts of things, notably my issues with god (which was not exactly out of the blue so I didn't open the passenger door and push her out as I would normally). Which was incredibly ballsy since she knows I fucking hate that nosey sort of shit. But it was also okay because we're similar enough there (or so she gathered from my awkward sentences) that despite feeling compelled to honesty, she didn't push it too hard. (For the record, I don't have any particular issues with gods or gods, I have issue with people assuming I have issues because I grew up in a religious family and decided to go my own way. I'm cool with the deities, I'm just not into embarrassing public conversations or like, going over their to houses for symbolic sacrifices)
Overall, I talk way too much around this girl and don't actually know if I like that. It kind of makes me nuts and want to deliver myself a swift kick to the vag followed by a, "Wtf are you saying? Shut up." I have a feeling this is often how others feel around me because they are always telling me things and then wondering aloud at their motivations. But clearly it didn't bother me enough that I stopped talking and paid attention to the road or we wouldn't have ended up in a marina. Twice.
I have bike options to explore when my orders hit the shops next week.
Post shopping, R did reiki for me because my period was at me with a vengeance and because I was curious. I've heard mostly positive reviews but then also some luke warm ones (notably from E, who is another crush and also (more relevantly) closer to my temperament). I enjoyed the experience and while i'm not sure what it is actually supposed to be doing (rearranging energy, perhaps?) I do wonder at the body's reaction to another human being generally just beyond the comfortable limits of perception, there's a sort of straining and anticipation to it. I was also nice and chilled out and just wanted to kiss the girl so I suspect interference there.
R asked what trauma had happened to my hands and I didn't have an answer. There are answers I could give but not necessarily more so for my hands. So that was strange and unsettling and set me into a slightly weirded out/rolling my eyes at Miss Cleo kind of place.
Then dinner (new Ethnic food options, yay!) and drinks at the bar with a few partners in crime then over to R's girlfriend's place for a movie. Yes, yes, she's taken, not to worry. I like her girl more every time I see her and I'm just not a home wrecker. Would I make a move with this girl if she were free? Yeah, probably despite our mutual friend who would be pretty pissed at me for it (whole other BS). But I don't overtly creep on people in relationships.
Granted,writing this is a bit of soul-searching because I did spend the entire day with this girl with not 100% pure motives. But she is also my friend and I don't trust myself so little that I'm going to cut out friends because of crushes.
So that's it. Just a really great day overall. I miss days like that when they're too far between, days where you don't need a plot, they just hum along like the better breed of indie film
Yes, I do know enough theology to know that was blasphemous. It wouldn't have made any sense at all otherwise. Today was very long and boring and sometimes I was angry and felt a bit sick. I think my stomach is no longer terribly fond of sweets. It just gets very uneasy about them. But I am finished ALL course work. DONE.
Wednesday though, Wednesday was kind of perfect. The great Board of Nursing of the formidable state of M was fairly kind and much less DMV (fuck, I still have to go to the DMV) than I anticipated. It also was relatively efficient. I now suspect that the hell of getting my CNA was probably a class thing as is everything in this great nation. Nursing license, no problem, but if you want to get paid even less to do more thankless work that'll be no fewer than 3 hours sat in those molded plastic bus stations chairs that we've bolted to the floor, thanks. Also, if one of you does not kindly furnish a screaming child, we'll be forced to dig one up.
After that was bike shopping with R who I have this long standing low-grade crush on that kind of ebbs and flows (and, duh, I absolutely wanted (WANT) a new bike but I maybe could have asked someone else possibly) and it was just a flow sort of day. I also had this less low grade fear that I'd be really bad at bikes. Like, my folding bike is so HARD, that effort of riding it is significantly worse than running so, why bother? But bikes that fit are amazing. I was like Thai-motorbike happy. City riding is just awesomely thrilling and now that I think of it, R is a much better person than I am. Like, I'd be pissed if someone asked me to take him or her shopping for 4 hours and it involved self-propelled transportation and lots of driving around and kind of almost getting lost no fewer than 6 times in a city we both live in because we can't shut up long enough for me to pay attention to where the hell I'm driving. (Okay, maybe not the end of that sentence.)
She quizzed me on all sorts of things, notably my issues with god (which was not exactly out of the blue so I didn't open the passenger door and push her out as I would normally). Which was incredibly ballsy since she knows I fucking hate that nosey sort of shit. But it was also okay because we're similar enough there (or so she gathered from my awkward sentences) that despite feeling compelled to honesty, she didn't push it too hard. (For the record, I don't have any particular issues with gods or gods, I have issue with people assuming I have issues because I grew up in a religious family and decided to go my own way. I'm cool with the deities, I'm just not into embarrassing public conversations or like, going over their to houses for symbolic sacrifices)
Overall, I talk way too much around this girl and don't actually know if I like that. It kind of makes me nuts and want to deliver myself a swift kick to the vag followed by a, "Wtf are you saying? Shut up." I have a feeling this is often how others feel around me because they are always telling me things and then wondering aloud at their motivations. But clearly it didn't bother me enough that I stopped talking and paid attention to the road or we wouldn't have ended up in a marina. Twice.
I have bike options to explore when my orders hit the shops next week.
Post shopping, R did reiki for me because my period was at me with a vengeance and because I was curious. I've heard mostly positive reviews but then also some luke warm ones (notably from E, who is another crush and also (more relevantly) closer to my temperament). I enjoyed the experience and while i'm not sure what it is actually supposed to be doing (rearranging energy, perhaps?) I do wonder at the body's reaction to another human being generally just beyond the comfortable limits of perception, there's a sort of straining and anticipation to it. I was also nice and chilled out and just wanted to kiss the girl so I suspect interference there.
R asked what trauma had happened to my hands and I didn't have an answer. There are answers I could give but not necessarily more so for my hands. So that was strange and unsettling and set me into a slightly weirded out/rolling my eyes at Miss Cleo kind of place.
Then dinner (new Ethnic food options, yay!) and drinks at the bar with a few partners in crime then over to R's girlfriend's place for a movie. Yes, yes, she's taken, not to worry. I like her girl more every time I see her and I'm just not a home wrecker. Would I make a move with this girl if she were free? Yeah, probably despite our mutual friend who would be pretty pissed at me for it (whole other BS). But I don't overtly creep on people in relationships.
Granted,writing this is a bit of soul-searching because I did spend the entire day with this girl with not 100% pure motives. But she is also my friend and I don't trust myself so little that I'm going to cut out friends because of crushes.
So that's it. Just a really great day overall. I miss days like that when they're too far between, days where you don't need a plot, they just hum along like the better breed of indie film
Monday: It is Finished
May. 7th, 2012 10:56 pm For most intents and purposes, school is OVER.
What else is going on? I feel good and static and queasy all at once.
After what I considered some delightfully witty banter, T basically told me I was being a bitch but he didn't take it too hard because I, "just want[ed] to know he's a man." What I should have said was, "Yes, please, before we know anything about each other, please, start defining my personality in terms of you."
What else is going on? I feel good and static and queasy all at once.
After what I considered some delightfully witty banter, T basically told me I was being a bitch but he didn't take it too hard because I, "just want[ed] to know he's a man." What I should have said was, "Yes, please, before we know anything about each other, please, start defining my personality in terms of you."
So I'm still young and tender enough to be the nice nurse (yeah, still technically a student which is also part of it). I will explain to you 10 times in an hour that you cannot have anything to eat because you're going for surgery and no, no even if you are willing to risk vomiting and aspirating we are not and since we are doing the surgery, our rules, so sorry, honey.
But I do have my limits.
Thus, when my patient who was both mitted and restrained self-extubated yesterday and greeted my panicked self at the door with a, "Hi. Help me breathe!" as he held his freaking ET tube, it was all I could do not to say, "So now you want to breathe, hmm?"
But I do have my limits.
Thus, when my patient who was both mitted and restrained self-extubated yesterday and greeted my panicked self at the door with a, "Hi. Help me breathe!" as he held his freaking ET tube, it was all I could do not to say, "So now you want to breathe, hmm?"
I feel like shit today (I thought about elaborating that to the shit you step in when your frantically trying scrape previous shit from your shoe but I'll reserve that for some inevitable upcoming hangover).
I'm going to blame it on the sugar of last night. I'm sleep drunk and bloated and it's terrible. Also, I have to go listen to 3 hours of painfully boring presentations, including my own. Ughhh.
I'm going to blame it on the sugar of last night. I'm sleep drunk and bloated and it's terrible. Also, I have to go listen to 3 hours of painfully boring presentations, including my own. Ughhh.
I feel a bit like crap today. Way too tired, way too much caffeine, and perhaps what is suddenly way too much sugar (but that might just be the guilt of letting sugar ruin my healthy eating streak).
I was completely head over heals in hate with my job this weekend. People acting impressively monstrous and shitty. Like, I'm genuinely for once in my life trying to see the value of modesty and these co-workers of mine just make me want to scream, "Listen bitches, I'm smarter than you. Give me two years and I will be better at your job than you are now, 25 years out. So let's get over this thing where I'm your indentured servant and try addressing me by my name and in a civilized tone. Kaythanks."
Still, I got some interesting advice from a co-worker. "Either you can do your job or you can kiss ass." It's not as cut and dry as that and that attitude I think kind of breeds hostility but it's also not wrong.
Also, my intrigue with Z took a swing toward crush because he was being a flirt. I don't think he's currently interested in pursuing things with me that way but am also sort of foiled by his social ineptitude. I mean, game recognizes game but sometimes lack of game also fucks up my game.
Also, met, T, the male half of a new couple. We'll see ....
I was completely head over heals in hate with my job this weekend. People acting impressively monstrous and shitty. Like, I'm genuinely for once in my life trying to see the value of modesty and these co-workers of mine just make me want to scream, "Listen bitches, I'm smarter than you. Give me two years and I will be better at your job than you are now, 25 years out. So let's get over this thing where I'm your indentured servant and try addressing me by my name and in a civilized tone. Kaythanks."
Still, I got some interesting advice from a co-worker. "Either you can do your job or you can kiss ass." It's not as cut and dry as that and that attitude I think kind of breeds hostility but it's also not wrong.
Also, my intrigue with Z took a swing toward crush because he was being a flirt. I don't think he's currently interested in pursuing things with me that way but am also sort of foiled by his social ineptitude. I mean, game recognizes game but sometimes lack of game also fucks up my game.
Also, met, T, the male half of a new couple. We'll see ....
Saturday, Sort of
Apr. 28th, 2012 12:55 amHave you ever been out with people distinctly different from you? Ones with just completely different priorities and foreign senses of self. I tend to think of them as young souls, just kind of caught up in the swirl of everything around them, mostly happily oblivious to the shapes moving outside the bright, flashing lights.
But I'm not much better am I? How often do I forget there are other ways to live? And there's almost always something there, beyond that strange layer of redneck republication with money that so pervasive, regardless of actual social standing. Sudden warmth, modesty, kindness.
Don't get me wrong, tonight was weird in that way that it's always completely bizarre to be out in an overcrowded bar with people you barely know. But I'm not upset I went.
But I'm not much better am I? How often do I forget there are other ways to live? And there's almost always something there, beyond that strange layer of redneck republication with money that so pervasive, regardless of actual social standing. Sudden warmth, modesty, kindness.
Don't get me wrong, tonight was weird in that way that it's always completely bizarre to be out in an overcrowded bar with people you barely know. But I'm not upset I went.
Night shifts are a bitch and a half. I do sort of like that feeling of dropping like a rock through all the thinner layers of dream into a nice, stage 4, passed the fuck out kind of sleep.
I got an electrical body fat analyzer today. It rates my BMI at 26.8. The one I have is supposedly very accurate but, in any case, it may be helpful when the scale make me feel a little crazy.
I should probably be iterating some progress goals ...
1. Break the 150s (i.e. <159 by graduation)
2. Stick to my guns in California
3. 153 lbs (1/2 way there!) by June 20th, first day of summer
4. 138 lbs by August 1st
5. Don't become a crazy person (remain above 130)
I got an electrical body fat analyzer today. It rates my BMI at 26.8. The one I have is supposedly very accurate but, in any case, it may be helpful when the scale make me feel a little crazy.
I should probably be iterating some progress goals ...
1. Break the 150s (i.e. <159 by graduation)
2. Stick to my guns in California
3. 153 lbs (1/2 way there!) by June 20th, first day of summer
4. 138 lbs by August 1st
5. Don't become a crazy person (remain above 130)
Yesterday I had the lovely thrill of waking up at 163.4 lbs i.e. making progress! That's slightly less than 5 lbs lost since I started this diet but it is so incredibly difficult for me to lose weight that it's a bit difficult to explain what an accomplishment 5 lbs is.
Granted, I not following the diet with a true religious zeal. I have the occasional damning dalliance with alcohol; singular, sinful trysts with sugar. Bless me Father, for I have sweetened my coffee.
This week's been nice, a cautious taste of what it might be like not to be in graduate school. Monday I ate too little and drank a tad too much. I also decided to get to know a boy by taking Adderall with him and staying up all night. The irony being, that's not even a euphemism. I was out with friends even though I had a project to work on. i had very good intentions of staying briefly and then leaving to do some work. Little did I know it was one friend's birthday and thus my obligatory hang out time was extended until she had to leave. Then another friend's brother showed up and it turned out we had stayed late enough for trivia ... then late enough to win ... and deadlines are soft this semester anyway so ....
I did have every intention of completing the assignment though, so I stopped drinking early and ate a bit of dinner. Still, this new friend of mine, Z, was in less good shape with a more pressing deadline and a mutual friend asked if we wanted Adderall. Having always wanted to investigate Adderall, in light of an untreated (because I was just such a smart lil tyke) diagnosis in childhood plus general curiosity, I accepted. For science.
Z had it in his head that it'd be great to go to his place and make use of his new record player (hipster, I thought, yay). Everyone else was out but I was in due to the following factors: A) Adderall, even if it didn't work as promised (as is my experience with basically everything but alcohol) the placebo factor should keep me awake for quite a while longer B) I stillhad every intention of getting my shit done C) I genuinely wanted to hang out with Z D) grad school needs more scandals and I might as well contribute E) I was very curious about certain aspects of Z's nature i.e. whether he was a bisexual boy unicorn or more queer than a 3 dollar bill.
In summation, it was pretty fun and I got most of my work accomplished. I kind of expected to run across some fairly off-putting aspect of Z's character like I do with most people. If anything, he just pays attention less hard to what I saying than maybe my best friends do which is no great flaw in a new friend. Particularly one who is a little drunk and on Adderall.
Despite the record player, typewriter, and being vegan, I took back the judgy "hipster" comment. The man is just obliviously fond of old movies and old-ish music and seems to have pretty good taste in both.
I think he was not expecting me to actually want to get work done (and really not necessarily in the "let's listen to music/hook up" way). But whip out my laptop and set to work I did, welcoming interruption by new record choices and movie clips and bursts of conversation, of course. Z, I learned, is much more honest than I will probably ever be able to be. People trust me instinctively for whatever reasons people do such things but I don't really do it back. If I'm hazarding guesses (and why the fuck not, this is an online journal that's semi-fictional in a corner of the web where there are no spiders) I'd say it's because while I may become amused, I almost never judge (unless you're really stingy with money, then I judge you fast). So, perhaps people sort of test me in conversation and I continue to completely accept what they say/do/think without judgment, the floodgates open. Maybe not.
Anyway, Z and I talked about all sorts of stuff. Most surprising, about past relationships and how he's convinced he doesn't know how to date (he doesn't though I think it's more that he wouldn't be wildly interested in a proper date). I think this is where I'm supposed to get all dreamy about how we talked all night and then cuddled (which we did) but I won't. It was a lovely night, good conversation, good cuddle, makings of a good friend. What I might like most about Z is his sexuality, like mine, is a moving target and he's aware of it. We talked about boys and girls and how we're kind of both in that space where we have a hard time envisioning an actual relationship with someone of the same sex. He may be a rare bisexual boy unicorn, he may be as queer as a 3 dollar bill, we'll see.
All in all, I have mixed feelings about Z. Am I attracted or just intrigued? Either way, I am quite sure he could become a good friend, given time. I am also quite sure that I should have more friends like him. My best friends are wonderful people but their range of what is good and acceptable behavior is very narrow and narrow does not suit me well. They are daylight people and sometimes I am not.
Granted, I not following the diet with a true religious zeal. I have the occasional damning dalliance with alcohol; singular, sinful trysts with sugar. Bless me Father, for I have sweetened my coffee.
This week's been nice, a cautious taste of what it might be like not to be in graduate school. Monday I ate too little and drank a tad too much. I also decided to get to know a boy by taking Adderall with him and staying up all night. The irony being, that's not even a euphemism. I was out with friends even though I had a project to work on. i had very good intentions of staying briefly and then leaving to do some work. Little did I know it was one friend's birthday and thus my obligatory hang out time was extended until she had to leave. Then another friend's brother showed up and it turned out we had stayed late enough for trivia ... then late enough to win ... and deadlines are soft this semester anyway so ....
I did have every intention of completing the assignment though, so I stopped drinking early and ate a bit of dinner. Still, this new friend of mine, Z, was in less good shape with a more pressing deadline and a mutual friend asked if we wanted Adderall. Having always wanted to investigate Adderall, in light of an untreated (because I was just such a smart lil tyke) diagnosis in childhood plus general curiosity, I accepted. For science.
Z had it in his head that it'd be great to go to his place and make use of his new record player (hipster, I thought, yay). Everyone else was out but I was in due to the following factors: A) Adderall, even if it didn't work as promised (as is my experience with basically everything but alcohol) the placebo factor should keep me awake for quite a while longer B) I stillhad every intention of getting my shit done C) I genuinely wanted to hang out with Z D) grad school needs more scandals and I might as well contribute E) I was very curious about certain aspects of Z's nature i.e. whether he was a bisexual boy unicorn or more queer than a 3 dollar bill.
In summation, it was pretty fun and I got most of my work accomplished. I kind of expected to run across some fairly off-putting aspect of Z's character like I do with most people. If anything, he just pays attention less hard to what I saying than maybe my best friends do which is no great flaw in a new friend. Particularly one who is a little drunk and on Adderall.
Despite the record player, typewriter, and being vegan, I took back the judgy "hipster" comment. The man is just obliviously fond of old movies and old-ish music and seems to have pretty good taste in both.
I think he was not expecting me to actually want to get work done (and really not necessarily in the "let's listen to music/hook up" way). But whip out my laptop and set to work I did, welcoming interruption by new record choices and movie clips and bursts of conversation, of course. Z, I learned, is much more honest than I will probably ever be able to be. People trust me instinctively for whatever reasons people do such things but I don't really do it back. If I'm hazarding guesses (and why the fuck not, this is an online journal that's semi-fictional in a corner of the web where there are no spiders) I'd say it's because while I may become amused, I almost never judge (unless you're really stingy with money, then I judge you fast). So, perhaps people sort of test me in conversation and I continue to completely accept what they say/do/think without judgment, the floodgates open. Maybe not.
Anyway, Z and I talked about all sorts of stuff. Most surprising, about past relationships and how he's convinced he doesn't know how to date (he doesn't though I think it's more that he wouldn't be wildly interested in a proper date). I think this is where I'm supposed to get all dreamy about how we talked all night and then cuddled (which we did) but I won't. It was a lovely night, good conversation, good cuddle, makings of a good friend. What I might like most about Z is his sexuality, like mine, is a moving target and he's aware of it. We talked about boys and girls and how we're kind of both in that space where we have a hard time envisioning an actual relationship with someone of the same sex. He may be a rare bisexual boy unicorn, he may be as queer as a 3 dollar bill, we'll see.
All in all, I have mixed feelings about Z. Am I attracted or just intrigued? Either way, I am quite sure he could become a good friend, given time. I am also quite sure that I should have more friends like him. My best friends are wonderful people but their range of what is good and acceptable behavior is very narrow and narrow does not suit me well. They are daylight people and sometimes I am not.
Today was great and full of steady accomplishments and so obnoxious I wish it were a small dog I could kick in the teeth. (No, I don't kick dogs but if today were I dog I would kick it.)
Two very busy patients. Still didn't feel restaurant "busy" to me but I also don't bear any real responsibility for getting shit done so I'm sure it was exhausting for my dear floor-mom, i.e. professional mentor. There are also a handful of people on my unit with terrible personalities ... like, please don't belittle my mentor by "teaching" her in front of me. The word for that is "tactless." Another is "rude."
The real thing nagging at me though, the fart in church, if you will, is my house guest/classmate. Nice but so needy. Will I give someone a ride who needs one now and then, sure. I am not your personal driver. Honestly, I'm not that nice a person and I probably was slightly peeved the first time you asked me to go out of my way but Karma's a bitch I don't need on my heels. And no mistake, I am territorial. The second you asking for a ride turns into, "but why not, where are you going to be" we are not in a happy place. I am territorial. Not of friends, not of boyfriends or girlfriends, but absolutely of myself. The second you invade my space it becomes dark and stormy and not at all happy. So back the fuck out.
I ended today pretty pissed which means angry eating. Healthy dinner plus a slice of cheese, a bit of bread, and a mini peanut butter cup. Not Dukan friendly. And since I punish little binges with weigh-ins, I know that brought me to a fake as hell 168.4lbs tonight. I'm resolved to forget about it and assess in the morning.
But I am pissed, if that weren't abundantly clear.
Two very busy patients. Still didn't feel restaurant "busy" to me but I also don't bear any real responsibility for getting shit done so I'm sure it was exhausting for my dear floor-mom, i.e. professional mentor. There are also a handful of people on my unit with terrible personalities ... like, please don't belittle my mentor by "teaching" her in front of me. The word for that is "tactless." Another is "rude."
The real thing nagging at me though, the fart in church, if you will, is my house guest/classmate. Nice but so needy. Will I give someone a ride who needs one now and then, sure. I am not your personal driver. Honestly, I'm not that nice a person and I probably was slightly peeved the first time you asked me to go out of my way but Karma's a bitch I don't need on my heels. And no mistake, I am territorial. The second you asking for a ride turns into, "but why not, where are you going to be" we are not in a happy place. I am territorial. Not of friends, not of boyfriends or girlfriends, but absolutely of myself. The second you invade my space it becomes dark and stormy and not at all happy. So back the fuck out.
I ended today pretty pissed which means angry eating. Healthy dinner plus a slice of cheese, a bit of bread, and a mini peanut butter cup. Not Dukan friendly. And since I punish little binges with weigh-ins, I know that brought me to a fake as hell 168.4lbs tonight. I'm resolved to forget about it and assess in the morning.
But I am pissed, if that weren't abundantly clear.
My skin is not loving Dr. Dukan and his diet but the scale is. I was a fake 162.8 on my own scale today which is a smidgen of real weight loss (I hope) and the dehydration effects of totally breaking the diet to drink last night.
We'll see how tomorrow looks after I'm rehydrated. Granted, I was baking for the unit so I probably had a full slice of bread today, oopssss :/ Definitely not Dukan approved especially on an All Protein Day! Oh well, tomorrow is protein and veg. Plus, the bread tasted like crap (too dry) so I'm hoping no crazy craving cascade is in store.
We'll see how tomorrow looks after I'm rehydrated. Granted, I was baking for the unit so I probably had a full slice of bread today, oopssss :/ Definitely not Dukan approved especially on an All Protein Day! Oh well, tomorrow is protein and veg. Plus, the bread tasted like crap (too dry) so I'm hoping no crazy craving cascade is in store.
So ... 166.4 lbs on my home scale which not not cause for freak out because A) not that serious B) totally in excellent brain-health space C) fully aware that mi madre's scale runs light. Its good to have a starting point so I can watch progress on both scales. More importantly, my waist has dropped just shy of 30 in. The first fat you lose is that really health-troubling abdominal fat so things are going the right way.
Summer is showing its hand early. It's a thick season here and the air gets too heavy fast for anyone over 12. It's the same sort of glorious, sluggish, damp magic as puberty. The very best thing is a place in the shade where you watch things grow until August wilts its way in. The next best thing is cold beer.
I'm visiting home, sitting on my mother's porch and thinking about how this house got smaller every year while I was growing up and now I'm grown enough and poor enough that it's enormous again. Lavish against the poverty of my higher education.
Down to the dirty: I woke up at 163.8lbs this morning (according to mommy-dearest's scale) and I'd been hanging out around 168 for months and months so I am cautiously optimistic about his diet. My energy level is a little wacked today but I'm going to distribute the blame amongst the muggy air, an erratic sleep schedule, and the good Dr. Dukan. My latest research project is moving along nicely and MIRACLE, my insurance company approved a procedure I've been waiting to hear about since January. So, quite nice as Sundays go.
I'm visiting home, sitting on my mother's porch and thinking about how this house got smaller every year while I was growing up and now I'm grown enough and poor enough that it's enormous again. Lavish against the poverty of my higher education.
Down to the dirty: I woke up at 163.8lbs this morning (according to mommy-dearest's scale) and I'd been hanging out around 168 for months and months so I am cautiously optimistic about his diet. My energy level is a little wacked today but I'm going to distribute the blame amongst the muggy air, an erratic sleep schedule, and the good Dr. Dukan. My latest research project is moving along nicely and MIRACLE, my insurance company approved a procedure I've been waiting to hear about since January. So, quite nice as Sundays go.
(no subject)
Apr. 14th, 2012 12:20 pmThe Dukan diet is going well here on day 4. I made the conscious decision to depart last night -- red wine with Ahkil and Reese--so I'm going for an all protein day again today. Though I may have some veg with the fam tonight.
My clothes already feel just a little more comfortable. When I have no rules, this is the part where I start messing it up but I'm hoping progress will breed progress all the way down to 138 lbs. Yep, that's the magic number and not a hair lighter.
The downside of the diet is lots of pooping from all the tough to digest meat. This does throw off my medical mind a bit and cause some skepticism. I am aware, however, that losing weight is not meant to be a very comfortable process since evolution is just not in favor of giving up fat at all.
In other news, I think it's time to spice up my threesome a bit. I know, ironic.
My clothes already feel just a little more comfortable. When I have no rules, this is the part where I start messing it up but I'm hoping progress will breed progress all the way down to 138 lbs. Yep, that's the magic number and not a hair lighter.
The downside of the diet is lots of pooping from all the tough to digest meat. This does throw off my medical mind a bit and cause some skepticism. I am aware, however, that losing weight is not meant to be a very comfortable process since evolution is just not in favor of giving up fat at all.
In other news, I think it's time to spice up my threesome a bit. I know, ironic.
(no subject)
Apr. 11th, 2012 10:00 amToday I started the Dukan diet which is basically Atkins revisited. Aslo, French. It's kind of ridiculous to even say "started" at this point since I've had only one meal so far today. Still, I already have an edge of the lack of sugar wooziness I remember from Atkins. I'm feeling pretty motivated and have my eye on 138 lbs by July 15th (and 154 by graduation).
My healthcare mind does appreciate the brevity of the no-carb "attack phase." I'm in that bit for just three days of no veggies. I crossed the bordering of fucking India on foot with people and livestock and stayed awake for 48 hours. I did basecamp on Everest. I can do anything for three days. Right? I'll let you know in three days.
My real concern is that I might be a little sugar-low stupid by day three which is a clinical day and probably an observation day so ... hmmm, it might be prudent to keep a piece of fruit on hand in can my instructor shows so I'm less stupid.
My healthcare mind does appreciate the brevity of the no-carb "attack phase." I'm in that bit for just three days of no veggies. I crossed the bordering of fucking India on foot with people and livestock and stayed awake for 48 hours. I did basecamp on Everest. I can do anything for three days. Right? I'll let you know in three days.
My real concern is that I might be a little sugar-low stupid by day three which is a clinical day and probably an observation day so ... hmmm, it might be prudent to keep a piece of fruit on hand in can my instructor shows so I'm less stupid.
